The Beverly Fartzbillies

  Sung to the tune of The Beverley Hillbillies ...

 

   Come listen to my story 'bout a man named Buttz , a drunken old skunk everybody called Putz ,

  One fine day he was drinkin' like a fish , when out from the woods come a grinnin' old witch ... granny fartz , that is.

   Now the next thing you know old Buttz has been skunked , he stank so bad , he fell into a funk , the kinfolk said , 'Putz , get away from me!' Said , 'The outhouse is where ya oughta be!' So they chased him all the way from Tennessee to Beverley ... Hills , that is. Cesspools , porno stars.

"The Boy Who Farted Too Much"

    The boy farted in class, causing his teachers and fellow students to laugh.

    He farted between classes on students in the halls.

    He even farted in the boys' room stalls.

    He farted here , he farted there , he farted everywhere.

    He farted during lunch , causing many a stomach to vomit much.

    Sitting in crowds ,  he picked his nose and farted loud.

   He crapped his pants everywhere he went , creating quite a scent.

  Some people called him Pepe Le Pew.

  And you would too , if the boy who farted too much , farted on you.

Celebrities With The Most Annoying , Whiny Voices

   1/Roseanne ; in 1989 ABC debuted the sitcom , Roseanne , about a fat , loud mouth waitress with an ear piercing voice that could shatter glass.

   2/Rosie O'Donnell ; According to rumor , O'Donnell was fired from her first talk show , because her voice was so loud and abrasive. When she screamed , it was almost as loud as the farts escaping from her rectum.

   3/Fan Drescher ; on the set of her new sitcom Happily Divorced , her co-stars have threatened to quit if the producers don't give her less speaking parts.

   4/Lainie Kazan ; on one of her frequent guest spots on The Nanny , she almost shattered the eardrums of her co-stars when she tried singing Happy Birthday to Fran Drescher. Her singing had been on hiatus for nearly ten years , and her voice was more than a bit off kilter.

    5/Renee Taylor ; another Nanny alumni who's voice was deadly in the falsetto range.

    6/Jerry Lewis ; In his younger days , he made ladies all over America wince in pain and annoyance , with his catch phrase , 'Hey lady!'

    7/Sophia Viagra ; on the set of Modern Family , everyone wears earplugs  because  her voice is so annoying , it can cause an imbalance in the nervous system. 

 

Farting Is Good For The Soul

Flatulence is not necessarily a bad thing. It can be a good thing. It can cleanse the soul of all the waste that it has accumulated over the years ; the crap you've been force fed by your parents , teachers , friends , and the media. One good rip can  purify your soul. So , go ahead , get it out. Make it the biggest rip you've ever let loose! Come on , you can do it! That's it! Now , didn't that feel good? Oh my God , it stank , too!

Celebrities With Names That Sound Like Farts

Whoopi Goldberg ( the chick on The View who looks like Bob Marley's twin ).

Rip Torn ( the actor who can't seem to make up his mind what to call himself ).

Rip Taylor ( The effeminate comedian who likes to throw confetti at people who upset him ).

Rodney Allen Rippy ( child actor of the seventies ).

Minnie Ripperton

The Rippingtons ( jazz/rock group from the nineties ).

Rip Van Winkle ( legend has it that his real name was Rip Van Stinkle ).

Jack "The Ripper" ( according to legend , he acquired this name because he would always manage to rip one while his hands were around a prostitute's throat ).

Kelly Ripa ( it has been rumored that her full maiden name is , Kelly Ripa GoodOne ).

Farts

Slicing cheese ...

Passing gas ...

Breaking wind ...

These are sounds that make me laugh.

Bizarre Encounters With ...

                                          I Was Mooned By A UFO





My name is Aggie McFartz , and this is my story of how I got mooned by a UFO.

Let me tell you a story that happened to me ,

late one night as I was looking at the sky ,

through the lens of my 'scope when I happened to see ,

a big flying saucer heading straight at my eye ,

on the side were the letters UFO ,

 in a window was an alien looking right at me ,

he smiled , raised a hand and lo! and behold ,

 he then turned around ... and mooned me in the eye!