"The Boy Who Farted Too Much"

    The boy farted in class, causing his teachers and fellow students to laugh.

    He farted between classes on students in the halls.

    He even farted in the boys' room stalls.

    He farted here , he farted there , he farted everywhere.

    He farted during lunch , causing many a stomach to vomit much.

    Sitting in crowds ,  he picked his nose and farted loud.

   He crapped his pants everywhere he went , creating quite a scent.

  Some people called him Pepe Le Pew.

  And you would too , if the boy who farted too much , farted on you.

Celebrities With The Most Annoying , Whiny Voices

   1/Roseanne ; in 1989 ABC debuted the sitcom , Roseanne , about a fat , loud mouth waitress with an ear piercing voice that could shatter glass.

   2/Rosie O'Donnell ; According to rumor , O'Donnell was fired from her first talk show , because her voice was so loud and abrasive. When she screamed , it was almost as loud as the farts escaping from her rectum.

   3/Fan Drescher ; on the set of her new sitcom Happily Divorced , her co-stars have threatened to quit if the producers don't give her less speaking parts.

   4/Lainie Kazan ; on one of her frequent guest spots on The Nanny , she almost shattered the eardrums of her co-stars when she tried singing Happy Birthday to Fran Drescher. Her singing had been on hiatus for nearly ten years , and her voice was more than a bit off kilter.

    5/Renee Taylor ; another Nanny alumni who's voice was deadly in the falsetto range.

    6/Jerry Lewis ; In his younger days , he made ladies all over America wince in pain and annoyance , with his catch phrase , 'Hey lady!'

    7/Sophia Viagra ; on the set of Modern Family , everyone wears earplugs  because  her voice is so annoying , it can cause an imbalance in the nervous system. 

 

Farting Is Good For The Soul

Flatulence is not necessarily a bad thing. It can be a good thing. It can cleanse the soul of all the waste that it has accumulated over the years ; the crap you've been force fed by your parents , teachers , friends , and the media. One good rip can  purify your soul. So , go ahead , get it out. Make it the biggest rip you've ever let loose! Come on , you can do it! That's it! Now , didn't that feel good? Oh my God , it stank , too!

Celebrities With Names That Sound Like Farts

Whoopi Goldberg ( the chick on The View who looks like Bob Marley's twin ).

Rip Torn ( the actor who can't seem to make up his mind what to call himself ).

Rip Taylor ( The effeminate comedian who likes to throw confetti at people who upset him ).

Rodney Allen Rippy ( child actor of the seventies ).

Minnie Ripperton

The Rippingtons ( jazz/rock group from the nineties ).

Rip Van Winkle ( legend has it that his real name was Rip Van Stinkle ).

Jack "The Ripper" ( according to legend , he acquired this name because he would always manage to rip one while his hands were around a prostitute's throat ).

Kelly Ripa ( it has been rumored that her full maiden name is , Kelly Ripa GoodOne ).

Farts

Slicing cheese ...

Passing gas ...

Breaking wind ...

These are sounds that make me laugh.

Bizarre Encounters With ...

                                          I Was Mooned By A UFO





My name is Aggie McFartz , and this is my story of how I got mooned by a UFO.

Let me tell you a story that happened to me ,

late one night as I was looking at the sky ,

through the lens of my 'scope when I happened to see ,

a big flying saucer heading straight at my eye ,

on the side were the letters UFO ,

 in a window was an alien looking right at me ,

he smiled , raised a hand and lo! and behold ,

 he then turned around ... and mooned me in the eye!

                                                                       

Bizarre Encounters With ...

How I Became A Teenage ChalupaCabra

When I first started hearing about ChupaCabras , I too thought they were real , just like the thousands of meatballs all over the world who believed in them. Let me tell you , ChupaCabras are a myth. They have since been proven to be a myth , and yet there are people who still believe they are real. Several of these so called creatures have been captured , dissected , and proven to be nothing more than mangy coyotes , or half breeds , and yet the belief in these beasts still persists.

  When I was eighteen , I became a teenage ChalupaCabra. I didn't want to be a ChalupCabra. It just sort of happened , and how it happened is actually kind of funny.

  I've been a fast food junkie all my life , eating at all of the fast food restaurants , devouring just about everything on the menu at all of them , and when I say devouring , imagine a cartoon beaver with buck teeth chomping  through a cord of wood with the speed and sound of a power saw. That was me. I would eat until I couldn't walk - literally.

   

   For several years , McDonald's , and Burger King were two of my favorites.  I would frequent these weekly while hanging out around the city at night , with my friends. When I finally developed some responsibility in my life and got a job , I began buying junk food by the tons at the neighborhood grocery store. Ours was Sav-ons , which was just around the corner from where I lived. And when I say tons of junk food , I mean that literally. I would pile my cart to over flowing with donuts , cakes , pies , cookies , packages of different kinds of cheeses , lunch meats , and cereals. Anything and everything that was filled with sugar and fat , I tossed it in the cart. And more often than not , I couldn't wait to get everything past check out , to start chomping down.

   Whenever I made my mad  dash around the store , I would tear open package after package , and gorge myself . Empty packages , candy wrappers , cookie and donut boxes , and half eaten cereal boxes would be strewn up and down every isle , their contents also strewn around the floor , and my face and clothes would be smeared with frosting , pie filling ~ I would eat cakes and pies whole , as if I were at a pie eating contest ~ and pasta sauces. People would stare at me like I was an idiot or something , but I didn't care. All I cared about was satisfying the Junk Food Beast in me. But , as I would later find out , it could not be satisfied.

   When Taco Bell added the chalupa to their menu , my friends were among the first to try it. Three of them said I had to try one. Two said they were okay , and the third said they tasted like ca - ca. So I tried one , then two , then three. I thought they tasted good. Not like Mexican crap at all. Before I knew it , I was wolfing them down faster than Roseanne could polish off a six pack.. I couldn't get enough of the damn things. I was hooked on them like a junkie was hooked on cocaine. I couldn't think of anything but chalupas. They were engraved on my brain like crack was to a crack whore. I not only ate chaulpas , but I dreamed about them every night. One night , I dreamed I was being buried alive in a sea of chalupas. But , instead of panicking , I enjoyed it ; I welcomed it. And , eventually , I devoured my way to the top of that sea of chalupas , and when I woke up , there was a huge crap eating grin on my face. I remember thinking it was the most satisfying dream I had ever had - without an orgasm , of course , and I've had plenty of those.

     Over the next few days , my unnatural craving for chalupas was getting worse and worse. I no longer wanted to spend time with my friends , or go to work. When I wasn't eating chalupas , I was listless , and tired. All I wanted to do was sleep and dream of my precious chalupas. I wondered what was wrong with me. One morning , I woke up and looked in the mirror. There was hair on my body where there shouldn't have been! The back of my hands , and my entire face! I looked like Scruffo  The Dog Faced Boy at the Ringly Ding and Dangly circus. What were they putting in those damn things? I wondered.

     My parents freaked the first time they saw me that way , ran into their bedroom to hide , and called the animal shelter. I woke up two days later from a drug hangover , dazed and confused. But I was back to normal again ; my face and hands were completely hairless. The handlers were baffled as to how I had ended up in one of their cages ( and were even more baffled as to how the large , wolf like dog had had gotten out ) , and to tell the truth , so was I. I couldn't remember how I had gotten there. I found out later after I called my parents to come pick me up. They told me that  a strange , wild dog  had somehow gotten into the house. My mother swore up and down  it looked like a werewolf. She had always been an avid Stephen King fan , and more than a bit loopy. I told them that the strange dog had been me , an obvious side effect ( that had obviously worn off during my stay in the shelter ) of my lustful cravings for chalupas. I didn't know how else to explain it. But they didn't believe me. I couldn't really blame them , though. I must have sounded like a lunatic. Even I wouldn't have believed it , if it hadn't  happen to me. 

    Even though the transformation had worn off during my stay in the shelter , the cravings , did not. They were more powerful than ever. As soon as I could , I jumped on the bus and headed for Taco Bell - with visions of chalupas dancing in my head - where I proceeded to stuff my face until I literally couldn't walk anymore. I wolfed down nearly two dozen of the damn things - quicker than Roseanne could stuff a whole pizza down her throat- embarrassing myself , as people gawked at me , no doubt wondering what was the matter with me.

    Less than an hour later , the thick hair had returned.  Soon it was growing faster than I could shave it off. And thicker , too. Not only was I starting to look like a cur , but I smelled like one too! No matter how hard I scrubbed , I couldn't wash the stink away!

    A few days passed , and the unnatural hair continued to grow. Now it wasn't just appearing on my hands and face , but on my entire body! I stood in front of the mirror one morning , and wondered what was happening to me. I looked worse than I had before. My eyes were as blood shot as an old wino's. I was developing incisors , and my tongue was so long that it actually protruded from my mouth! Any moment now , I was afraid I would start panting , or start scratching myself with a hind leg. I looked worse  than Scruffo. Now I looked like Sasquatch. Like Chewbacca on steroids. My hands and feet were twice as large , and where my nails were , claws began to appear!
   I was forced to stop going to work , because the hair was growing back so fast ,  that and the fact that the effect was no longer wearing off when I wasn't consuming chalupas. I was embarrassed to be seen in public , and to be truthful , I was afraid that someone would mistake me for a wolf and shoot me on sight , or that I would get picked up by the animal shelter again. If I did , I knew I would be in there possibly for the rest of my life. So , for the next two days , I stayed locked in my room , and desperately thought about what I should do. But , of course , nothing came to mind. And every night I dreamed about my precious chalupas , and gorged myself like a kid on Halloween night.

    It wasn't long before my boss was wondering why I wasn't showing up for work. Several times my mother would pound on the door , screaming that he was threatening to fire me if I didn't get my lazy ass to work. I knew I had  to get back to work , but I couldn't go looking like this , like Lon Chaney in The Wolf Man. If I did , someone would be sure to call the animal shelter again , and this time I would probably be shipped off to the Ringly Ding And Dangly Circus , where I would , no doubt , become a companion to the real Scruffo The Dog Faced Boy!

    On the second night , I woke up sweating. The thick hair on my face and body , felt like it was glued on. I had the recurring chalupa dream again. I heard myself muttering , "Must have chalupa , must have chalupa!"

    I hadn't had a single chalupa in two days , and my craving was overwhelming.  The day before , I had to settle for whatever I could find , raiding the fridge in the middle of the night so I wouldn't frighten my parents. I left it empty , but my hunger had not been satisfied. My craving for chalupas was just too strong. They called to me , like the mythical sirens called to ancient Greek sailors , like the craving of alcohol to an old wino. 

    For a while , I stared at the ceiling , thinking of chalupas. I was drooling without realizing I was drooling. I chewed on the pillow , imaging that it was a chalupa , and before I realized it , I managed to shred pieces of it with my teeth and claws. Finally , I could stand it no longer. I had to have a chalupa. Not one. Not two. Not even three. But a whole truck load! I wanted the chalupa dream to become a reality. I wanted to dive into a sea of chalupas , and eat my way to the surface. And , most of all , I wanted to feel that crap eating grin again.

    I sprang off the bed , and crept to the door. My mind was made up. I had to get some chalupas , or die trying. But I hoped it didn't come to that. Which meant that I would have to leave the house , and be seen. Thankfully , it was after midnight , and there wouldn't too much traffic at that hour.

   Before leaving the house , I decided to raid the fridge one last time. It was stocked full again. The day before , my mother had banged on my door , demanding to know if I had been the one responsible for the fridge being empty. I had vehemently denied it , but I knew she didn't believe me.

I tore open packages , and cartons , and containers , as quietly as I could , and wolfed everything down faster than any cur ever ate. Even though I wasn't making too much noise , my cleanliness left much to be desired. Everything I ripped open , I tossed onto the floor , not worrying about what my parents might think , or do when they saw the mess. All I could think about was satisfying the insatiable hunger that could never be satisfied by anything other than chalupas.

    I closed the fridge , and tipsy toed toward the door. The clicking of my clawed toes on the wooded floor , sounded startlingly loud in the stillness , causing me to wince , hoping it didn't disturb my parents. However , I didn't get more than a few steps ... before running right into my mother! She screamed as if she had been confronted by the Devil in the flesh. I had no doubt that's who she thought I was.
    "Harold!" she screamed. "That werewolf's back! Get your shot gun!"
    I nearly jumped through the ceiling. I tried to tell her that it was me , not a werewolf from a Stephen King story.  But all that would come out was a growl. By now , Dad was running toward me with his shot gun. "Get out of the way , Gladys! I'll send that cur straight to the pearly gates! Move , woman!"
    The very idea of my father shooting me , must have been too much for me. Apparently , I had blacked out , and couldn't remember what happened after that. The next thing I remembered , was waking up in a cage at the animal shelter , with a small dog licking my face.

    "Beat it , Fido!" I said , pushing the cur away. I got to my feet , feeling groggy , like I was half asleep or fighting off a hangover.

     "Not again ," I groaned. I struggled to my feet and shook the door of the cage. "Hey! Let me outta here!"

    Every dog in the place responded immediately. It took a little longer for someone to investigate who was doing the yelling. A pimple face kid , no older than eighteen or nineteen , finally showed up.

    "Hey! I remember you , dude! How did you get back in there?" And where did that big dog go that was in there?"
    "How should I know! Just let me outta here."

   "Hold your horses , dude!" he said. He took his sweet time unlocking the cage , and after he did so , I pushed past him , almost knocking him down. "You don't have to be so rude , dude!"

    "Sorry , dude." Before anyone could stop me , I hurried out of the building , without calling my parents. I had a feeling I wouldn't be allowed to do that a second time. And sure enough , I was right. The pimply faced kid had followed me outside , and was chasing after me.
    "Hey! Where do you think your going , dude?! Come back here , dude!"
    I ran to the bus stop as fast as I could , promising myself never to touch another chalupa. I had to go cold turkey. It wasn't easy. After a few days without them , I went into with drawl , like a junkie without drugs. I even suffered hallucinations , all of them having to do with chalupas. But gradually , the cravings and hallucinations disappeared , and I am now chalupa free!

That was a year ago , and I haven't had one since. And that was how I became a teenage ChalupaCabra.
    
   

    

   

     

   

 

  

 

   

 

 





Bizarre Encounters With ....

Elvis Drives A Flying Saucer

    We're all familiar with the claims that Elvis may have faked his death , and that there have been periodic sightings of him ever since. But , according to Wilbur Stump , of Las Vegas , Nevada , not only is Elvis alive and well , but living on an alien space ship , which he drives around the Mojave desert , mostly at night.

   The reason for these nocturnal wanderings , according to Stump , is that Elvis was offered the chance to visit an alien world if he faked his death. Stump said that these particular aliens didn't much care for his music , and by faking his death he couldn't make anymore of that awful noise. They also thought that he dressed too much like Liberace , who had been a known sissy-boy when he was alive.

   Elvis accepted the offer and now travels the desert in his very own UFO that the aliens gave him , spreading their message that they're here , watching over us , making sure that we don't do anything stupid , like blow ourselves up , or watch America's Next Top Model.

   I interviewed Stump at a local restaurant. This is what he had to say.

   "Of course it's real!" he said. "Do you think I sit around here all the time and make this stuff up?"

   I didn't answer , afraid I might offend him again.

   He looked like an old desert rat , who had spent too much time in the desert sun. His hair was thick and scruffy , with a beard to match , both of which were dirty and full of bits and pieces of tumble weed. His eyes were small and beady , like those of a rat.

   Stump sat at a back booth , guzzling bottle after bottle of Lone Wolf beer. The table was littered with them. He was already as drunk as a skunk , and stank like one , too.

    "I remember the first time I saw old Elvis. It was August of '79. The last time was 2006. I was nursing a bottle of Jack Daniels , and singing Rootin' Tootin' Cowboy , while looking for some flowers to water , when I hear Hound Dog by Elvis. It sounded like a radio being played from a distance. It went on for some time , then stopped like it was turned off. It spooked me. Then a beam of light shot out of the night sky , and there's Elvis in his sissy-boy , Liberace outfit. He was singing Conjunction Junction from that silly School House Rock cartoon from the seventies. Remember that one?"

    He looked at me with drunken contempt , then continued with his tale.

    "Elvis stops singing his song and says to me ,'Who loves ya baby?'

   " 'Who do you think you are? Telly Saliva?'

   " 'No , I'm Elvis Presley,  you old fart. What are you doing out here in the dark?'

   " 'What's it look like I'm doing , you sissy boy?' I says. 'I'm playin' with myself , you pecker!

   " 'Whoa! Put that thing away , partner!'

   " 'I'm not playin' with myself , you fool! I'm drunk!' I sprayed some pee on his leg for the insult ; he glanced at me with disgust , and shook it off.

    " 'Hey! Don't you know who I am?!' he says.

  " 'Of course I do. You just said so! You're Elvis. I always suspected you faked your death , you pecker , and now I know!'

    The insult didn't phase him one bit. He says , 'Did you know that watching reality television shows like America's Next Top Model , will turn you into a  girly- boy?'

   " 'You must be a regular viewer ,' I says , pointing to his outfit.

   "That insult didn't bother him either.  He droned on like he hadn't heard me , or didn't care if someone made fun of the way he dressed. 'It's a known fact that if you watch enough of this crap , next thing you know you'll be parading around in a Tu - Tu and ballerina slippers.'

   "We  stared at each other for a moment. Finally , I shook my head.

    " 'You don't seem surprised to see me ,' he says. 'I might be a fake for all you know.'

   " 'You're no fake. You're that real pecker , Elvis , alright.'

   " 'Why do you keep calling me pecker?'

   " 'Cause you sold out ,' I says. 'You sold your soul to the aliens! You don't need to watch America's Next Top Model , or The Tyra Show! You've been a girly-boy all your life!'

  " 'I aint no girly-boy , you old fart!' he says.

  " 'Oh yeah?! Then what's with that silly looking outfit? Only girly-boys wear clothes like that!'

  "He shook his head and looked at me like he thought I was crazy. Like he thought I was the crazy one. Can you believe it?! Like I was the one with the loose screw!

  " 'I got news for you , baby ,' he says. 'You are crazier than a bed bug in June. I'm not the real Elvis. I'm an impersonator , doing a show at The Palms. I have to go now. Who loves ya , baby?'

   "The bright light returned and took him back into the sky.

   " 'Come back here , you pecker!' I shouted , pumping my fist at the sky. 'Elvis impersonator , my ass!' "

 

 

 

Fourty Things That Annoy Me , part 2

21/ Desperate Housewives ; a more appropriate title would be , Desperate House whores ; a show about cheating wives , and skanky bitches. Thank God it's in it's final season!

22/ Modern Family ; this is one of the funniest shows on television? Where's the humor? I sure as hell don't see it. One of the flaws of this show ,  is Sophia Viagra and her annoying , whiny voice. And that accent has to be phonier than a counterfeit bill.

23/ Grey's Anatomy ; Why has this show been on for eight seasons? One was enough. How many times have I seen and heard , Helen Pompeo say , 'Choose me! Love me! ' Too many times! Annoy~iiiing!

24/ The Bachelor ; another show that can easily induce narcolepsy.

25/ Old people who fart in grocery stores ; especially when they are in front of you at check out!

26/ Soap Operas ; can anyone sit down for an hour and actually watch one of these without falling asleep? I can't. Every time I've tried tuning into one , I can't pay attention for even a minute , before I feel like I want to blow my brains out , or jump out a window!

27/ Football and baseball players who spit on the playing field and in the dug out ; as if spitting weren't bad enough , they may as well use the playing field as a toilet!

28/ Those Allegra commercials that feature everyone with the exact annoying sneeze.

29/ Sunday morning religious programming ; if there is a God , would He watch this fare? Hell no!

30/ Katy Perry ; she may be cute , but she's just another Madonna/Aquilera/ Spears clone , and her music is just as forgetable and unoriginal.

31/ MySpace ; one of the worst social sites on the net. All anyone really cares about here , is promoting their own music.

32/ Facebook ; another crappy social networking site , even worse than myspace. All anyone cares about here , is playing games.

33/ Music award shows ; why they bother broadcasting these programs year after year , I will never understand. The same  bland , so called performers , win every year with their boring , mediocre music. The producers of these programs also like to introduce new pop crap "sensations!" and make instant stars out of them , even though you've never heard of them before!

34/ Butt wipes who cut you off in traffic.

35/ People who like to over charge you. Case in point : City Hall ; they have a habit of charging me twice for my previous balance on every bill.

36/ Christmas specials and movies ; every year the tube is full of silly , and just plain ridiculous , specials and movies. The networks always feature mediocre pop music , and show every xmas movie under the sun , a thousand times each - literally.  I like Christmas , but this is just too much.

37/ Justin Beiber ; If I was a twelve year old girl , I would not be attracted to this dude! And what's with that hair doooooo?

38/ The music of Lady Gaga ; her name should be Lady Goo Goo Gaga ,  because her music is for kiddies. She's another Madonna clone. Why other people don't see this , I don't understand.

39/ The Disney channel ; this is a cable channel that is supposed to feature wholesome , family entertainment. But if you've ever watched it , even for a few minutes , you will see that it is anything but entertaining. It features such boring and unexciting fare as , Good Luck Charlie , Jessie , Wizards Of Waverly Place , and Austin And Ally. Each of these shows are like clones of each other.  The acting is silly , and over blown ; the characters are all idiots , and every ridiculous line gets a laugh  , whether it's funny or not. And ten times out of ten , it's not funny. 
  Who writes this junk? Four year olds? If Disney believes this kind of programming accurately portrays teenagers in the twenty first century , then they're in big trouble.

40/ Rap music ; put a c in front of it , and what do you get? Crap. Need I say more?

Celebrity Farts ~ The Maurty McPovich Show

Maurty McPovich

    Is it just me , or does anyone else think that this is one of the most ridiculous shows on the boob tube? I know I can't be the only one.

   I like Maurty. Everybody likes Maurty. He seems like a nice enough guy , but with a show like this , he's just asking to be made fun of.

   For over ten years now , Maurty has been exciting audiences all over America with his unique brand of crappy television. The subject matter of this fine show , includes such topics as cheating spouses , transvestites , and embarrassing situations caught on hidden camera. Only those who are dense enough to watch this tasteless garbage week after week , could possibly find this exciting entertainment.

     Recently , Maurty celebrated the shows tenth anniversary with his good buddy and favorite animal trainer , Jack Hanna , who has appeared on the show numerous times over the years.

    In a recent interview , the shows executive producer , Amy Rosenblum , revealed some things about Maurty that not even his fans knew.

It's The Maurty McPovich Show!! Behind The

Scenes With Amy Rosenblum

    "Ive been the shows executive producer for the entire ten years , and I've loved every minute of it. I hope it lasts another ten years.

    "I know that some people don't like the show ; they think it's silly and ridiculous. Even I find it silly at times. Especially when Maury does one of his I Slept With My Husband's Brother , or Who's The Father Of My Baby? shows. But his audiences love the show , no matter how ridiculous it might get. The more outrageous it is , the fans love it , which is why I think it's so popular. Maury's not afraid to be outrageous. He knows that if he can make the show as crazy as possible , people will watch. And it's worked for ten years."

Everybody Loves Maurty

    "Not long after we started the show , in '98 , Maury liked to dress up as different characters during rehearsals. Every episode , halfway through the first season , Maury would dress up as some of his favorite celebrities , and rehearse the show.
   "The first character that Maury impersonated was Groucho Marx , one of his all time favorite celebrities. Some of his guests would be confused , until they realized that it was Maury. The second celebrity was Ozzy Osbourne. The original Sabbath was one of his favorite bands , and Maury always thought that Ozzy was an outrageous character.
    "So , one day , Maury comes out wearing a long , dark brown wig and a black shirt with a cross on it.
    "The audience went crazy. He threw his hands over his head , mimicking Ozzy giving the peace sign.
    " 'Are you ready to rock?!' he said in a surprisingly good British accent.
   "Everybody went absolutely bananas. Some of them jumped around like baboons , chanting his name.
    " 'Are you people ready to rock?!' he said again.
    " 'Yes!' the audience screamed back. Then the stage curtains opened to reveal three guys dressed like the other members of the band , complete with out dated clothes and funny looking wigs.
    "Without the accent , Maury said ,'This is my band Black Savage'. We're a Sabbath cover band. We've been practicing real hard for a couple of months , and during breaks on this show , we'll be playing some of their material.'
    "Everybody went insane. They yelled and screamed and jumped around like monkeys in a cage at the zoo. Some got so excited that they actually jumped all the way to the ceiling , banging their heads painfully , knocking themselves unconscious , then falling back into the audience , and injuring others. Others had broken through , and were either dangling unconscious , or moaning in pain.
    "Maury and his band had watched it all with bemused expressions , until people started getting hurt. At first it was really funny watching everybody screaming and jumping like wild animals , but now it had gotten out of control. Some fools were dangling unconscious from the ceiling , and some with their legs kicking , and screaming for help , while others were lying in the audience , moaning and groaning in pain.
     "Someone called the paramedics. The most seriously injured were taken to the hospital , and those with mild cuts and bruises , were treated on the spot.
     "No one died of their injuries , thank God. I knew that Maury had the wildest audiences , but I had no idea how insane they were.
    "No one was more relieved than Maury , when he found out that everyone was going to be alright. I think he was worried that someone might sue him. No one did , though."

Fun With Maurty And Jack

    "Last year , Maury celebrated the shows tenth anniversary with his close friend , Jack Hanna. Jack has been featured on the show about twice a year , which is always a lot of fun. And each time he comes , he brings more exotic animals and insects.

    "The animals he brought out for the anniversary special , were a macaw , and a pair of chimps. He brought the macaw out first. Jack whistled , and a multi~colored parrot flew out from back stage. There was a large perch next to Jack , which the bird was supposed to settle on , but apparently the bird had other ideas. Instead of landing on the perch , it past over the entire audience , spraying , and dropping doody on everyone. The audience howled with laughter , as the bird crop dusted them , while squawking it's own laughter. There wasn't one person that didn't have bird pee or doody on them. No one cared. Everyone was having a great time.

    "Maury and Jack were shocked and surprised by the birds behavior , but they were also amused.

    " 'I don't know what's the matter with him , Maury!' Jack said. 'He's never behaved this way before. He must be nervous. Come here , Louie! Behave yourself!'

    "But Louie didn't want to behave himself. He made one more swoop over the audience , dropped another payload , and squawked with laughter. Then he dive bombed Maury and Jack , squawked with laughter , and flew back stage.

    "Wiping bird doody from his face , Jack shouted , 'Bad Louie!'

    "The audience laughed again , wiping doody from their own faces and clothes.

     "Apparently , Louie wasn't the only one that was nervous. Maury was nervous too. Every year he looked forward to Jack's visits , and the animals he brought with him. But Maury was also more than a little apprehensive , because most of the animals were potentially dangerous , and their behavior was unpredictable.

    "So , when Jack's assistants brought out the two chimps , Buckaroo Bonzo , and Bozo The Clown , they must have sensed how nervous Maury was , because from that point , things quickly went from bad to worse.

     "Bonzo was wearing a Peter Weller wig , and dressed like the actor ~ who was Bonzo's favorite ~ in his role in the movie , Buckaroo Bonzai , and Bozo was dressed like his favorite clown , wearing a silly looking red wig , and a bicycle horn that he tooted incessantly.

    "The audience laughed when they saw the chimps. They looked ridiculous. The moment they set eyes on Maury , they broke free of their handlers and made a bee line straight for him. They pounced on him , threw him on the floor like a rag doll , ripped off their suits , and started rubbing doody all over him.

    "The audience bellowed with laughter. Maury was laughing , too , but was also scared to death. He covered his head with his arms and wouldn't look up the whole time the monkeys were doing their business.

     " 'Jack! Make 'em stop!' he shouted.

    "Jack and the two handlers attempted to grab hold of the chimps , but got pelted with doody themselves. Then Bonzo and Bozo turned to the audience and threw doody at them , too.

    "The chimps had great aim. They managed to hit every single person in the audience , either in the face or on their clothes.

    "When they were done with the audience , they ran around the set , throwing seats and ripping up furniture.

   "Maury was terrified. The moment the chimps turned on the audience , he ran back stage and would not come out until it was all over.

   "Jack and his assistants ran frantically after the chimps , attempting to get them to stop their rampage. It went on for almost fifteen minutes. The audience was going crazy the whole time , howling with laughter , as Bonzo and Bozo completely destroyed the set.

    "Finally , mercifully , it was over. It looked like a tornado had struck the inside of the studio. Jack and his assistants were able to calm the chimps enough to get them back stage.

    "Of course , none of it had been taped. Too bad , though. It would have made a great show. However , it would be a long time before Jack and his family were invited back to the show."