Celebrity Farts Book Reviews ~ Ooops! I Did It Again! by Christina Aguilera



Britney Spears

           

   The unauthorized biography of one of pop music's most popular icons.

   How Britney Spears came up with the title of one of her most popular Cd's.

   Apparently , according to Aguilera , Spears had consumed too many re fried beans the night before , and had uncontrollable flatulence all throughout the recording of the CD.

    From the book : "It was so bad , that recording had to be stopped every few minutes so she could run to the crapper , so she wouldn't embarrass herself in front of everyone. But , everyone heard the noises anyway , because they were so loud , and every time she came out , everyone would pretend not to notice what she had been doing in there.

   "It took forever to complete the CD. Every time she ran to the john , she said ,'Ooops! Here it comes again!'

   "When she came back out , she said , 'Hey everybody! Guess what? I got a great title for my CD : Ooops! I Did It Again! Because I almost went in my panties this time!'

   According to Aguilera , the following verses were omitted from the original version of the CD.

   "Ooops! I did it again/ I cut the big one/ 'Cause I had too many beans/Now my butt really stinks/And it feels like it's on fire/'Cause I like eating beans!"

   Originally , the song was to be about her love of re fried beans , which were her favorites. She had once told Aguilera that she believed she had been a dog in a former life , and that re fried beans always reminded her of dog food , which she enjoyed eating straight from a can. Re fried beans , not dog food.

    However , management urged her to change the lyrics , because they were not sure how her fans would react.
   Spears also attended a recording session of Aguilera's , passing explosive wind , and embarrassing her friend , which was the main reason for writing the book.
   "That wasn't the only time she farted around me!" Aguilera complained in an interview after the book was published. "She showed up drunk , back stage , at one of my concerts and farted the whole time!
    "I was so embarrassed that I took her aside ~ holding my nose the whole time , because it stank like an out house : the girl really can fart! ~ and told her that she had to stop eating so many beans , because if she didn't , she wasn't going to have very many friends in the future. But , she just laughed and said that I sounded like Mickey Mouse , and we're so not friends anymore.
    "So , I wrote the book , because I wanted to embarrass her like she embarrassed me so many times..."

Celebrity Farts Book Reviews ~ Die Fat Bitch! by Roseanne



Rosie O'Donnell

                        

The unauthorized biography of Rosie O'Donnell. Focuses mainly on the long time feud between O'Donnell and Roseanne. According to Roseanne , O'Donnell had a bad flatulence problem , which manifested itself whenever she became upset , and would threaten to pass wind on anyone who didn't laugh at her jokes.

Apparently , O'Donnell invited Roseanne to appear on her show with the purpose of 'having it out once and for all' , to see who was the bigger star. According to Roseanne , O'Donnell was jealous of her instant stardom , because of the popularity of The Roseanne Show , and wanted to embarrass her in front of a studio audience , preferably one that she hand picked herself.

"She's jealous of me because I'm a star and she's not!" Roseanne screamed to a Star magazine reporter , while wolfing down a huge Triple Decker subway sandwich.

The star accepted , and a brawl quickly ensued. All hell broke loose , in which one of Roseanne's ears was bitten off.

Several people were injured , and most of the audience was treated for extreme fart gas exposure.

Celebrity Farts Book Reviews ~ My Secret Life As A Woman , by Max Weinberg

Conan O'Brien

                  

The unauthorized biography of Conan O'Brien , the king of late night comedy. The book covers in extensive detail , Conan's alleged secret fantasies of being a woman , his cross dressing behind the scenes of Late Night , and his alleged affair with singer Tom Jones , who had no idea that it was really Conan in drag.

In a recent interview , Jones denied the affair , claiming that Weinberg ~ a long time drummer for Bruce Springsteen ~ made the whole thing up , just to gain notoriety.

Weinberg responded to the allegation with this statement : "Hey! I'm drummer for The Boss! I don't need no stinking notoriety. Whatever that means."

O'Brien also gave a statement to the press : "That wasn't very nice of you , Max. But I forgive you. Hey! How about I set you up on a date with my sister , Connie? She looks exactly like me!"

Celebrity Farts Book Reviews ~ 2001 : A Space Fart , by Stanley Kubrick

Arthur C. Clarke

              
From the director of the first Space Odyssey film , the unauthorized biography of science fiction writer , Arthur C. Clarke , author of the novel of the same name that was made into a moderately successful film. Also contains the short story , A Space Fart , the tale of a lonely fart named Rip , drifting through the universe.

Although Kubrick never mentioned who the character Rip was based on , Clarke was sure it was himself , and threatened to sue if the book was not removed from publication. Subsequently , Kubrick refused , and the two who had been long time friends , headed for court.

"He can deny it all he wants!" Clarke complained on the Larry King show. "I know Rip is supposed to be my fart , God damn it!"

The judge residing over the case , thought the whole thing was ridiculous and laughable , and dismissed it.

Clarke responded by writing his own book about Kubrick.

2002 : A Space Fart , part 2

The continuing saga of Rip's lonely journey through endless space , this time with Kubrick in the role as Rip.

Celebrity Farts Book Reviews ~ Psychic Farts , by John Edward

If celebrities wrote books about bodily functions , and other embarrassing situations , they would probably look something like this :



John Edward
"It was the worst fart I ever encountered ,"
said Edward after solving the mystery.
"I was so frightened , my hair has been
standing on end ever since."

                                                                       
How psychic John Edward solved the mystery of the dead celebrity who cut the cheese. The book stayed at number one for a record wind breaking one hundred and twelve weeks , despite the fact that it was bashed by psychic debunker , James Randy. Mr. Randy , a well known magician , had previously offered a one million dollar reward to anyone who can prove that psychic phenomena actually exists.

To this day , the reward has remained unclaimed.

"He's a phony baloney , and I can prove it ," claimed Mr. Randy , soon after the book was published. "The only fart he detected was his own."

Fourty Things That Annoy Me ~ part 1

1/ Loud Noise of any kind.

2/ Rude and stupid people.

3/ People who think their opinions matter the most.

4/ Religious zealots ; whether they are Christian , Buddhists , Scientologists , or Muslims.  Christians , Scientologists , and Muslims all believe that God is on their side , exclusively , and anybody that disagrees with them is a satanist , a sinner , or going to hell. What scares me the most about radical Muslims , is their willingness to die for a dream , and think nothing of killing innocent people along the way. That's the ultimate in zealousness.

5/ Reality shows.

6/ Dancing With The Stars ; this show is as exciting as watching a baseball game. Watching other people dance is not my idea of a good time. And it's on three times a week! Monday , Tuesday , and Sunday! Why? Why?!

7/ You're Excused ; this has got to be the worst of the reality shows , featuring nasty skanks , and stud wanna be's. And that annoying host needs to be excused.

8/ Gossip Girl ; who comes up with this junk? Is there anybody who actually watches this crap and likes it? Who gives a crap about rich people? I don't!

9/ The Vampire Diaries ; is this the best that the CW has to offer? I hardly think so! What is the fascination with vampires these days? Today's vampires are not cool. Nicholas Knight was a cool vampire , and Forever Knight was a cool show , with believable characters and situations.

10/ Revenge ; the hottest new show of the year , according to ABC. I disagree! A show about a young woman seeking revenge on the person who betrayed her father when she was a kid. Instead of making us sit through a whole boring season , the producers should have had her kill the bitch in the first episode. Series over!

   ABC continuously outdoes itself with coming up with the worst comedies and dramas. This seasons best fare , according to them , are Man Up! and Saburgatory! Seriously?! I remember when ABC used to produce half way decent television. The days of Home Improvement are long gone.

11/ Previews , ads for  upcoming television shows. Is it necessary to run these things five hundred times an hour? Literally? Good God! Enough is enough!

12/ The View ; why this is still on , I will never understand. Someone please explain this to me. Fifteen years of boring women , talking about boring topics , and boring celebrities. God! I just can't stand the excitement anymore! I wish they would all have a huge cat fight , and kill each other. That would make me very happy.

13/ America's Next Top Model ; who wants to watch a bunch of skinny skanks compete to be the next top model? Not me! Most of these girls are not even attractive enough to be models , and most of them look like they have eating disorders.

14/ Infomercials ; proof that people are gullible , and will buy anything cheap and of little value.

15/ Court TV ; Judge Alex , Judge Judy , Judge Joe Brown (man up! - do people really say that?!) , Judge Gloria (when the hell was she a judge?!).  How many do we need? You can't turn the channel without seeing one. Turn the channel again , and there's another one , another one , and another one! Oh God!!!!! Is that all that's on?!! Somebody please shoot me!!

16/ Rosie Donnell's upcoming talk show. Already it's annoying me. Please God! Once was enough!

17/ The Tyra Show ; Another big winner from the CW! ; can anybody honestly sit through this day after day , week after week , and year after year , without developing narcolepsy? I know I can't! This is a show obviously developed with bimbos , and gay men in mind. Another Tyra production that should be cancelled immediately , before the entire nation is over run with Tyra clones!

18/ Ringer ; another show I can't sit through without falling into a deep , catatonic state.

19/ The New 90210 ; warning!!!!!! If you are prone to deep states of catatonia , then exercise extreme caution while watching this!

20/ The Secret Circle ; another CW block buster that will have your head nodding off in circles.

These are just a few things that annoy me ~ and some have actually put me to sleep. I'll be back next time with more things that annoy me... and put me to sleep.

Fifty Things That Make Me Happy



1/Jennifer Love Hewitt ; Hollywood's hottest actress.

2/ Listening to Black Sabbath and watching their videos on YouTube.

3/ The Big Bang Theory television series.

4/ Drinking beer and getting drunk.

5/ Delivery pizza.

6/ Watching Monk on DVD.

7/ Flavored coffees ; hazelnut, french vanilla , mocha , cappuccino , caramel machiatto , butter nut.

8/ Watching college football on the weekends.

9/ Baseball caps.

10/ Stamp collecting.

11/ collecting movies on DVD.

12/ Reading a good book.

13/ Writing for myself.

14/ A colorful sunset.

15/ Swiss cheese.

16/ Extra large burritos.

17/ Shopping at Wal-mart.

18/ Iced coffee in winter , spring , summer , and fall.

19/ Day light savings time.

20/ Sports games for the x-box.

21/ Not having to share the bathroom with anyone.

22/ Not having to get up in the morning and go to work.

23/ Sub sandwiches from Wal-marts deli section.

24/ Flavored coffee creamers ; hazelnut , french vanilla , caramel machiatto , mocha chocolate , cinnamon , Irish cream.

25/ Anything yellow.

26/ Anything orange.

27/ Anything teal.

28/ Colorful address labels from Colorful Images.

29/ Pastel colored file folders.

30/ Looking through catalogs received through the mail.

31/ Coffee mugs with colorful designs.

32/ Ice cream ; caramel machiatto , pistachio , butter nut , cookies & cream , peanut butter , chocolate chip , mint chocolate chip.

33/ Flavored cigars ; licorice , rum , amaretto , vanilla.

34/ Butterflies.

35/ Note pads with colorful designs.

36/ pencils and pens with colorful designs.

37/ Pistachio nuts.

38/ Peanut butter sandwiches.

39/ A big , juicy hamburger with everything on it.

40/ Pastel colored envelopes.

41/ Watching TV and movies on Hulu.com.

42/ Blogging.

43/ Lemon flavored iced tea.

44/ Grilled chicken sandwiches with lettuce and tomatoes.

45/ Puppy dogs.

46/ Kitty cats.

47/ Bird song.

48/ Pasta ; spaghetti , fettuchini , rotini.

49/ A good friend.

50/ Tuna melt sandwiches.

These are just a few things that make me happy. There are a lot more things that make me happy.



America's Shame

Why do Americans seem to be more concerned about starving children in other countries , other than their own? Are they more important? Why do they seem to show more concern for the disaster victims in Joplin? Are the homeless somehow less important?

There are thousands upon thousands of starving children in this country , but for lack of media concern , most Americans are not aware of it , or just don't seem to care. We live in the greatest nation on Earth , a nation that prides itself on compassion for those who are less fortunate. And yet , for decades , homelessness has been virtually ignored by the media. This is  the twenty ~ first century , and yet homelessness and starvation is allowed to continue.
Where's the compassion for the homeless and the starving? I don't see it.

Secret Life Of Trees / Magic Forest

Woods and forests are magical places. There are secrets hidden in the trees , the under growth , beneath the soil , and under rocks. I believe that woods and forests , and especially trees , have a secret life all their own. They talk to each other , they laugh ; they sing and dance , and celebrate all the good things in their lives. They give praise to the creator. And they mourn when one of their own dies.

Who knows what may live in such places? Other creatures besides animals may exist. Perhaps beings once believed to be magical : fairies , gnomes , or whatever you choose to name them. I've read stories in Fate magazine about people living near wooded areas , who have had close encounters with mysterious little people. Are these stories real? Who knows?

Morning Song

When I lived in Azusa , CA., I used to hear Grey jays in neighboring trees in the early morning hours , before sunrise , during spring and summer months. Much of the time , it was one , lone bird singing his song. I would be reading , or writing during these times ; the world outside was quiet ; everyone else was asleep , and I always found the far off warbling comforting , and yet , mysterious.

Now that I live in Monett , MO., I still hear it from time to time , but not as much as I used to. I miss hearing it , and those days.

Three Things Every Woman Should Know

I saw a posting on someones blog that I thought was funny , but I also kind of disagreed with it. This is my response to it.

#1. Don't wear so much make up. It makes you look like a skank.

#2. Yes! That dress really does make you look fat!

#3. Hurry up in the bathroom , damn it! You're not the only one that

lives here!

Love Lost

When I think about what could have been , I lose my breath ;

past loves lost , future loves never to be found.

I sink slowly into an abyss of loneliness and despair ;

I've been here before ;

lived this life before ;

I'm so tired , phsyically and emotionally ;

can't take anymore ;

lived this life so many times before ;

when will it end?

Alone

I reach out but no one is there ;

I cry but none hears ;

I ask why but no one listens ;

there is an emptiness within me like a deep and endless void ;

I stand upon it's edge about to fall ;

I long to embrace it ;

to let myself go.

Eternal Vow

Loves Eternal vow to me is sown ,

it's mystery to remain forever unknown ,

upon it's wings I am bourne ,

and carried through the weathered storm.

Stranger In A Mirror

They say we all have our own doubles ,

today I saw mine ,

I saw him in the park ,

I saw him in the mall ,

and I saw him when he followed me home.

The last place I saw him was in the mirror.

"Who are you?"

"Who do you think I am?"

"What do you want?"

"I want everything  you have."

"Go away."

I picked up a knife ,

and as the shock and surprise dawned in my eyes ,

I then realized it wasn't a stranger I was going to kill ,

it was me.

I never saw him again.

A Mother's Touch

A mother's touch is soft ,

a mother's touch is gentle ,

a mother's touch is sweet ,

a mother's touch is sensitive ,

a mother's touch is peaceful ,

a mother's touch is innocent ,

a mother's touch is soothing ,

a mother's touch is healing ,

a mother's touch is all of these and so much more ,

but most of all ,

a mother's touch is loving.