Celebrity Farts Book Reviews ~ Ooops! I Did It Again! by Christina Aguilera



Britney Spears

           

   The unauthorized biography of one of pop music's most popular icons.

   How Britney Spears came up with the title of one of her most popular Cd's.

   Apparently , according to Aguilera , Spears had consumed too many re fried beans the night before , and had uncontrollable flatulence all throughout the recording of the CD.

    From the book : "It was so bad , that recording had to be stopped every few minutes so she could run to the crapper , so she wouldn't embarrass herself in front of everyone. But , everyone heard the noises anyway , because they were so loud , and every time she came out , everyone would pretend not to notice what she had been doing in there.

   "It took forever to complete the CD. Every time she ran to the john , she said ,'Ooops! Here it comes again!'

   "When she came back out , she said , 'Hey everybody! Guess what? I got a great title for my CD : Ooops! I Did It Again! Because I almost went in my panties this time!'

   According to Aguilera , the following verses were omitted from the original version of the CD.

   "Ooops! I did it again/ I cut the big one/ 'Cause I had too many beans/Now my butt really stinks/And it feels like it's on fire/'Cause I like eating beans!"

   Originally , the song was to be about her love of re fried beans , which were her favorites. She had once told Aguilera that she believed she had been a dog in a former life , and that re fried beans always reminded her of dog food , which she enjoyed eating straight from a can. Re fried beans , not dog food.

    However , management urged her to change the lyrics , because they were not sure how her fans would react.
   Spears also attended a recording session of Aguilera's , passing explosive wind , and embarrassing her friend , which was the main reason for writing the book.
   "That wasn't the only time she farted around me!" Aguilera complained in an interview after the book was published. "She showed up drunk , back stage , at one of my concerts and farted the whole time!
    "I was so embarrassed that I took her aside ~ holding my nose the whole time , because it stank like an out house : the girl really can fart! ~ and told her that she had to stop eating so many beans , because if she didn't , she wasn't going to have very many friends in the future. But , she just laughed and said that I sounded like Mickey Mouse , and we're so not friends anymore.
    "So , I wrote the book , because I wanted to embarrass her like she embarrassed me so many times..."

Celebrity Farts Book Reviews ~ Die Fat Bitch! by Roseanne



Rosie O'Donnell

                        

The unauthorized biography of Rosie O'Donnell. Focuses mainly on the long time feud between O'Donnell and Roseanne. According to Roseanne , O'Donnell had a bad flatulence problem , which manifested itself whenever she became upset , and would threaten to pass wind on anyone who didn't laugh at her jokes.

Apparently , O'Donnell invited Roseanne to appear on her show with the purpose of 'having it out once and for all' , to see who was the bigger star. According to Roseanne , O'Donnell was jealous of her instant stardom , because of the popularity of The Roseanne Show , and wanted to embarrass her in front of a studio audience , preferably one that she hand picked herself.

"She's jealous of me because I'm a star and she's not!" Roseanne screamed to a Star magazine reporter , while wolfing down a huge Triple Decker subway sandwich.

The star accepted , and a brawl quickly ensued. All hell broke loose , in which one of Roseanne's ears was bitten off.

Several people were injured , and most of the audience was treated for extreme fart gas exposure.

Celebrity Farts Book Reviews ~ My Secret Life As A Woman , by Max Weinberg

Conan O'Brien

                  

The unauthorized biography of Conan O'Brien , the king of late night comedy. The book covers in extensive detail , Conan's alleged secret fantasies of being a woman , his cross dressing behind the scenes of Late Night , and his alleged affair with singer Tom Jones , who had no idea that it was really Conan in drag.

In a recent interview , Jones denied the affair , claiming that Weinberg ~ a long time drummer for Bruce Springsteen ~ made the whole thing up , just to gain notoriety.

Weinberg responded to the allegation with this statement : "Hey! I'm drummer for The Boss! I don't need no stinking notoriety. Whatever that means."

O'Brien also gave a statement to the press : "That wasn't very nice of you , Max. But I forgive you. Hey! How about I set you up on a date with my sister , Connie? She looks exactly like me!"

Celebrity Farts Book Reviews ~ 2001 : A Space Fart , by Stanley Kubrick

Arthur C. Clarke

              
From the director of the first Space Odyssey film , the unauthorized biography of science fiction writer , Arthur C. Clarke , author of the novel of the same name that was made into a moderately successful film. Also contains the short story , A Space Fart , the tale of a lonely fart named Rip , drifting through the universe.

Although Kubrick never mentioned who the character Rip was based on , Clarke was sure it was himself , and threatened to sue if the book was not removed from publication. Subsequently , Kubrick refused , and the two who had been long time friends , headed for court.

"He can deny it all he wants!" Clarke complained on the Larry King show. "I know Rip is supposed to be my fart , God damn it!"

The judge residing over the case , thought the whole thing was ridiculous and laughable , and dismissed it.

Clarke responded by writing his own book about Kubrick.

2002 : A Space Fart , part 2

The continuing saga of Rip's lonely journey through endless space , this time with Kubrick in the role as Rip.

Celebrity Farts Book Reviews ~ Psychic Farts , by John Edward

If celebrities wrote books about bodily functions , and other embarrassing situations , they would probably look something like this :



John Edward
"It was the worst fart I ever encountered ,"
said Edward after solving the mystery.
"I was so frightened , my hair has been
standing on end ever since."

                                                                       
How psychic John Edward solved the mystery of the dead celebrity who cut the cheese. The book stayed at number one for a record wind breaking one hundred and twelve weeks , despite the fact that it was bashed by psychic debunker , James Randy. Mr. Randy , a well known magician , had previously offered a one million dollar reward to anyone who can prove that psychic phenomena actually exists.

To this day , the reward has remained unclaimed.

"He's a phony baloney , and I can prove it ," claimed Mr. Randy , soon after the book was published. "The only fart he detected was his own."